Premature. A word I have heard with 3/4 of my pregnancies as my older two children were considered “preemies” but nothing prepared me for preemie #3. This pregnancy was unplanned and rough from
the get go. I had to take shots to try to make it to at least the magic 37 week as I did my more recent daughter but this little one had plans of her own for our lives. I knew I was at higher risk this time around for another preemie because of having a pregnancy so close together and again, the older two being preemies. However, I was not prepared for not only going into labor 2 months early but also having to have an emergency c-section to save my life as well as my little girls. I was also not prepared for having to go through it with just the hospital staff as everything took a huge turn for the worse before my husband could make it back to the hospital. The delivery also did not take a good turn and there were complications during the c-section with myself. All I wanted was my husband and my daughter during the entire procedure. I just wanted us to hold her and her be placed on my chest then do some skin to skin with husband like the three girls previously before. But what I got was her in the NICU in an isolate, and only able to hold her when the nurses and doctors said it was safe. It was hard. I cried and longed to be like the other mothers who were on the maternity ward who were getting to leave with their babies in hand and all healthy. I was discharged and went over into the NICU where it was a world of unknowns. Unknowns of is she goi
ng to make it, when she would be able to go, how she would develop, how was I going to explain this to her sisters and most importantly when I would be able to just hold her. Though I knew the odds were in our favor for most of things, I still worried and went to the dark places at times. This was a world I knew nothing about and the internet searches late at night were not my friend. We spent about 3 weeks in the NICU and during those three weeks it was a range of emotions from going through the motions of crying in the car on the way to NICU and home because the car was the only place I felt able to cry. To not feeling supported by family at times and just the nightmares of what I went through and felt I could not talk to anyone about the trauma I had gone through as well as the what-ifs that filled my head daily. My husband was there for me but not the way I needed him to be and I had no idea how to express it to him. I isolated like my daughter was in the isolate and while she strived and reached her goals, I felt further away from my own with motherhood an
d her. During this time, a good friend of mine reached out to me about Karing for Keegan. Not only did they help me with being able to afford the gas to be with my daughter daily, they also provided emotional support as well. I knew, and still know, that I can reach out to Shelby when I just need someone to talk to. She helped me get through a good bit of the darkness and knew of different resources that I
could reach out to for extra support. I saw some light in the bunches of darkness in my life. I had someone who walked a similar path to me and felt comfortable enough with to talk to without worrying that they were judging me or saw me as weak or selfish for everything I was feeling. I honestly cannot thank them enough for their help during this time. Now with our sweet little Maeve, we still are fighting an uphill battle, but I know I have a someone to reach out to who has been there and can help guide me at times when I need it. Maeve is currently on the lower ends of the developmental track but we are on our way to finding our happily ever after with her.
Thank you, Amanda Troutman
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